loafers with no socks

There is a specter haunting menswear. It’s been to my house. It’s been in my car. I shudder when I think of it. Only when I am free of its presence I can breathe again, after the requisite retching spell. I look in the mirror, eyes bloodshot and dripping, and try to shake away the image of my “friend” wearing loafers with no socks.

It’s not that his ankles are particularly unpleasant as far as ankles go, it’s more that bare men’s ankles need a good reason to be within my field of vision. When we are swimming, bathing, or engaging one another in luxurious full body massage, I can let it slide. Other than that, we’d have to be disappointing our Lord with an act of sodomy, and frankly, you’re not that cute.

Furthermore, as an owner of feet and shoes, I know what they can create together. I have worn my socks all day, left them somewhere to dry, and seen them harden as if starched. Without the sock to absorb our excretions, our fluids will end up exclusively absorbed into the fine Italian leather of our loafers, and that can’t be good for the longevity of the shoe. If you use sheets on your bed and wash them at all regularly (once every 3 months if you’re really on top of things), then you should be able to see the potential benefits of adding socks to your diet.

So cover yourself up. You should be ashamed of yourself. There are all sorts of fun or boring socks just waiting to adorn those bony protrusions just above your heel. Consider it another area where you can express your creativity, or lack thereof. Just stop inflicting this hideous part of you upon us; your presence is already nearly more than we can bear.