bottom middle shelf

I saw an meme the other day about ordering the second cheapest bottle of wine at the restaurant and realized I wasn’t as original and clever as I had previously thought. Shocking for me but perhaps not for you, dear reader, as as buying the not-quite-cheapest variation has been a guiding philosophy in my consumerism for some time now. I sit here drinking Evan Williams, an entirely pleasant bourbon at the entirely acceptable price point of around $15, and can apply it to an innumerable quantity of the objects I possess. One must be discerning of course, but the rule holds in many things.

With drinks I say my rule holds, but as it is such a taste dependent market the merits are open for debate. For beer I’ll step up to a decent 12 pack, but won’t bother with the $14 pack of 4. With whiskeys I ignore Old Crow (although I should try it again, been a while) or Black Velvet and jump to Beam and Old Granddad, although I will occasionally get a $30 bottle. Once you get to $40 whiskeys the quality improvements become marginal. I won’t get into Scotch as that is a whole other story. Wine is not my forte but it seems from my limited experience that there are some lovely bottles to be had once you hover around the $15 range.

If you’ll pardon me I’ll stay on liquor for another paragraph. I recently started working a few shifts at the local liquor store, and as I inventoried the vodka the effect was brought into relief. Now vodka is theoretically neutral, but there are subtle flavors within the ethanol. As a former high school partier (we were very cool) I can tell you that bottom shelf vodka has something about it that is just unpleasant. Popov and Crown Russe I believe were the handles of choice, and they just don’t quite sit right, so I won’t tell you that all vodka is the same. However, seeing the prices on some of the so-called luxury brands boggles the mind somewhat. Even Tito’s, the sales powerhouse of our time, is about $20 for a fifth. This puts it in competition with Johnny Walker Red or Bulleit bourbon, and I can say with some certainty that most Tito’s drinkers are pansies who mix their vodka in order to taste it even less. This strikes me as a waste of money and lack of good Yankee frugality.

Now I’m realizing that I had a broader point earlier in this essay but I may have lost it, so I will quickly mention a few other things where buying the bottom of the middle shelf is appropriate. Knives: buy Mora, Victorinox, and Opinel — cheap, reliable blades that won’t make you cry when you lose them. Speakers and headphones: don’t get the junk at the drug store or Walmart but also don’t listen to “audiophiles” who are part of perhaps the most delusional subculture outside of literal satanic death cults. While I was writing the opening I was pretty sure I had a few more but they’ve escaped me now. Maybe I don’t need a broader point. Maybe I just need cheap but not bottom of the barrel whiskey.